Father’s day

Ever had a days when you literally envy other people? Days when you feel like you would want to carry someone else’s pain and longing just until midnight? Father’s day is one for me.

I always have the freedom to write about my pain, longing, sadness and never really try to convey my husband’s pain.  I’m trying today, 00:20, 20.06.2017, I’m trying.

He has a kind heart with a very very stubborn streak. He does not like to be corrected. He goes on the defense if you get too close to the truth but today, as always, he’s also a longing parent, even still a grieving parent.

He hides it well, his excitement. I know he can’t wait for our family to start the road to completion. He had doubts whether he could love a child as his own but all his doubts dissappeared with having Will around. He feels for and with that boy.  It’s like he is his own. This I know for sure, it wont matter how our family comes to be, that same love, heart and passion will follow with whatever child enters our home, he/she will be ours.


Many days I think about this and we have had many conversations about this…a lot op people get things easily, children, jobs, money, you name it. We are not those people. We believe that God leaves the struggles for His strongest soldiers, knowing that we can handle disappointment after disappointment after…that we have faith in His promises and love for us…that each set back is making us stronger in our beliefs as we hold onto the promises our Father made.

So father’s day is another one that makes you grab onto belief that his time will come and he will appreciate is so much more than many others will because he fought for years to get there.  

We wont know what the following years will bring but no one can tell me that adopted children will be worse than own. I have only 1 sister, who didn’t bother to even text a mother’s day or father’s day wish to our own parents, it’s like she fell out of the sky and just appeared and that is blood. She ultimately makes me believe that our children wont need our DNA to be ours because we share DNA and she doesn’t want to be apart of it.

So for this year 2017, we sat out these days again, celebrating other fathers, our fathers, brothers, cousins. Praying for 2018 to be the time where the fuss will be for him on this day, so much fuss that it will make him feel uncomfortable…for real.

Till next time…

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An update

It seems I only remember about the blog when someone mentions it, bad Joy!!!
I would first like to post an update about Joy. She is healthy and back in school…all praise to God. 

As you can see, her hair is growing and all is good. Her brother (pictured) was her 100% match for a donor and all went well.

Now for family.

We have been having tons of issues regarding a family member and a narcissist, which is heartbreaking but we can’t do much about it except pray for a solution before it’s too late.

Now for our update.

We haven’t received the call yet but is eagerly waiting. We’ve been getting the nursery ready as best we can without putting everything up. We installed a new energy efficient window, floors, paint and some small stuff. For now, we are happy with how far we’ve come and can’t wait for what’s next with this special journey.

Still a work in progress but we’re getting there.

Till next time…

What I wish I could say.

I am completely overwhelmed with feelings, in a good way. My heart skips a beat everytime I think about the fact that somewhere in the future we will be Mommy and Daddy. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.

Over last weekend I decided to unpack the baby stuff we bought 3 years ago. I loved holding and folding it. I even got myself so far as to clean out the drawers that was meant for baby in the first place and packed the clothes in there. So now there are no other crap in there, just tiny little clothes, bottles, blankies, cloth nappies and whtever else I had. Somehow, while packing it in there, it kind of sunk in. This is it, no turning back. I ordered the cot, we know which travel system we’ll be buying, baby bags and all that, I just need to take my time, yeah right, and get these things as quick as we can, just to be safe. I can’t believe we have 4 drawers filled with baby stuff and a cot that’s being made as we speak.

This has been a long time in the making. I know it’s still a long way to go, as we have no idea when we will get the call, but at least we are only waitng for the call and not on pins and needles anymore. That Thursday before the desicion was made, was certainly the worst we had and thinking that we’d have to go into the weekend with those feelings, were almost too much for me, but that Glorious Friday at 12:00pm, we literally cried and know one will truely understand the relief that washes over you. God has fullfilled his promise to us made on 31.12.2013, after a horrible 2013, He gave us the answer.

Now we wait and prepare and pray, most of all, that the right match will be made. This is why we never give up, why would we? His promised was fullfilled, He never lies.

Till next time…

So this is happening again…

Today, I can’t tell you what my feelings are, because currently I myself am not sure.

We are walking the road of adoption again, this time in total ‘secrecy’. No one is aware of this. No one is aware of the new hoops we had to jump through, like seeing a phyciatrist, something neither of us has done before. That storie I will touch on later, as just to say not all of them are there to help.

Last Monday we delivered our paperwork. As I told Mark just this afternoon, it doesn’t feel like the first time did. The paperwork has been done so last minute, so sloppy, not my style at all. There was no stress involved, as of this afternoon I forgot that we had delivered the paperwork.

Just as I tried to order some prints to hang on the wall, I opened my emails and the first one is from our SW. Thank you for the paperwork and all your hard work and I will be presenting your file to the board this Friday, like in the day after tomorrow, like in FRIDAY, this Friday. That is not giving me enough time to stress and I say thank you. We will know by Monday what our fate is.

I did not shop, like last time. I did not tell everyone, like last time. I did not plan, like last time. I don’t want to be THAT EXTRMELY hurt, like last time. I pray that this time will be tears of Joy, but if it’s not then it will be okay, or so we tell ourselves. We are still standing, but it does not mean that a NO won’t knock us down, it will and I guess it would knock us harder since we jumped so high for them this time.

I always thank God for what he is placing in our lives. I always say, ask once in prayer and thank Him everyday for what you asked there after. Some times I feel so defeated and then I ask again, I cry and I beg. Then I remember to thank and I thank Him. I wait for His timimg. We do what we can and we pray and hope for the best. I mean, He did send us a personalised message a few years ago. How can I still doubt?

So, we had to go through this process again without any support. Aside from us, only 6 people know and these are the people who we had to tell, because they are our employers, doctors and Reverand. No family, no friends, just each other. We know we can handle defeat again, but we can’t handle having to tell everyone that we were denied. I mean, what a happy day it will be when we get to tell everyone that we were approved, but lessons were learned from our previous 3 baby dissapointments and I don’t think we can have everyone hope and pray for us again and then hear a no.

Now, I am finally putting this down on ‘paper’, my way of just processing the past few months of a journey that we can’t give up on.

If we get a no, this post will never see the light of day, but a yes would enable me to share our story again and I do pray that we can share our story again.

Till next time…

We were offered a baby…

Exactly as the title says.

On our anniversary date I received a message from someone I know of, but do not know asking me to please speak to her. Since I’ve never spoken to her, I tell her I’ll talk later, since we are out celebrating our anniversary. Then she says this: “I want you to adopt my baby.”

Now she has our attention. We can’t openly discuss this now, since Joy is with us and so now have to talk in code.

I admit, I’m an emotional thinker. My first thoughts were unrealistic and naive, because wanting something so bad, causes you to be like that, but this is a totally new situation for us and we had to be cool, calm and collected about it.

With a promise that I will contact her later, we continue with dinner, still discussing this the entire time. ‘How far along is she? Where is the father? How does something like this work? Do we want a baby who’s birth mother are known to us? Why does she want to do this?’ are only some of the questions we asked each other. We decided that we will try and help first before we get to the adoption side, to have her figure out what is best for her.

Now the story. She and her boyfriend broke up, now 4 months ago. She immediately got together with a new boyfriend. She did a test that showed 3 weeks in July, but the doctor says she is 3 months. Now she doesn’t know who the father of the baby is. She doesn’t want the baby if it is her ex’s and she can’t tell me what she would do if it is the new bf’s baby. All she knows is she can’t raise a child. She hates the child already and wants nothing to do with it. I try to help her calculate how far along she could be. We end up at 9 weeks, not 3 weeks or 3 months. Which means it’s the new bf’s baby, since she got pregnant a month after breaking up with the ex, but she can’t accept that (something you’re not telling us?). I go into it with questions I should not be asking, but I do, because we can feel that she is not telling the complete story. I ask her to please go to a doctor, so he can do the proper testing to find out how far along she is and then we can talk again, because she is not certain and we can’t help if she is not clear about this.

We don’t want to influence her at all, so I tell her that I will contact a social worker to explain to all of us how this will work, should we continue with this. She does not want a social worker involved, I must just take the baby. Again and again I have to explain to her that’s not the way it works. Even with longing heart I can’t do that. Now she tells me the ex wants the baby, but she does not want him to have it and she doesn’t want it either. Telling her that he must also sign adoption papers is useless. Telling her we want it done legally is useless. Telling her that we’d rather have a social worker deal with her than us ourselves is useless.

So this goes on for about 3 weeks now, her telling me I must take the child, me asking if she went to the doctor, her saying she hates the child, me saying she should calm down and talk to the social worker. By this time I am running cold, because she is in her late 20’s. Grown enough to understand how reproduction works. Grown enough to understand that we can all get in trouble for what she wants us to do without the ‘father’s’, who is aware of the child, consent.I get fed up, because how can we even try to just help you figure this out if you don’t listen or try to understand the issue.

Monday I told her I’ll send the social workers number so she can contact her, because I can’t do this with her. She wants it one way and we want it a proper way to cover our own asses. She just wants to get rid of it. This is why I feel comfortable today to write and share this, because we will not pursuing this at all. If she should ask for assistance again, I will point her to the right people, but we can’t do this with HER. She won’t tell the real story or go and find out what’s really going on to help herself, so that’s it. If she decided to go ahead, there is lots of other people out there who will be willing to raise her child on the down low, that’s not us.

She does not understand that the ‘father’, who has a good job and life, can come and take the child away and we can’t do anything. Her parents can do the same, hell she can just change her mind someday and come and take the child. No, even though we are longing and hurting for a baby of our own, we won’t do this. It’s called a limit.

Till next time.

For Joy and who ever may follow… 18.03.16

FRIDAY, 18 MARCH 2016

For Joy and who ever may follow…

This is one I’ve been sitting on for while. Not because I didn’t know what to say, but because it’s a sensitive issue.

Lord Charles Dec 2013

January 11, 2016 , after a fun filled holiday and only a week (I think) before school started, the eldest grandchild on the Jardine side, was told she had LEUKEMIA.  14 years old, one of few who enjoyed school, lives an active life, participates in almost everything, healthy, healthy with a side of attitude and too much backchat ( I say and she knows I say it) has Leukemia. To many ,they just hear Cancer.

I realy do hate that day. It’s a day that when I put down my phone, after the call, I immediately fell to my knees, right where I was sitting and I prayed. All I asked was for God to keep her safe and to not make her suffer. What ever His  will is, we have to abide by, but all I asked, begged and pleaded was for her to not suffer through this and to come out stronger after this has passed. Now I am 100%  sure the whole family did the same at that moment, cause we still believe in prayer. I’ve never even prayed for myself or my situation like that. You know what? God always comes through.

Early on in hospital

She is handeling this like a pro. She never complains. In the morning I’d ask how she was feeling, her answer? Great Aunty Joy.  Yes , she will say if something is not right or if she’s tired, but we’ve never heard her complain.

With Doctor Dad
The road to recovery is still long with another round of chemo waiting after Easter, but she’s going to make it. We always say, we’ve prayed about it so now we don’t need to worry. He’s got it.  We’ve always believed during her process that she will be fine. I wish I haf the video of her dancing in Church this past Sunday with her  spiritual dance group. It’s a sight to be seen. The group has been dancing with Sunflower fund bandanas since her diagnosis and the school has also showed their support . I think that is too sweet.
Dancing at her grandma’s 70th
On holiday Dec ’15/Jan ’16
During this process her brother may be the funniest and sweetest thing alive. You can see he misses her being at home and when she is allowed to go home,  he doesn’t want to go to school.  We try  to make a point of it to make him feel like it’s not just all about Joy now and yet, he is handeling this very, very well.  Hey, he will be playing a big part in his sisters’ recovery after all. Anyone say Superman?
Joel
So now we are here. The four of them are on a short holiday, thanks to Reach for a Dream .  They were very excited about their first plane ride, as anyone would be. Hoping they enjoy the adventure they had been blessed with.
On their way to airport.
There is a reason why it had to be you, Joy. Any one of us would have acted like little babies, like our world was falling apart. You have showen us that what’s happening to our bodies will not define us. Just because our bodies are sick, doesn’t mean that we have to act cripple.  You got up, you made almost a new home in hospital ( it’s funny , the stories we hear).  You are an inspiration to many of us.  You are prayed for, loved and admired. Appreciate what your parents are doing, what Joel is doing and when all of this is over, you will be better for it.
On their trip over this weekend.
You are strong and vibrant and I have a feeling you will always be.
Christmas 2015
Oh and I will be making that Calzone for you and we have to go get our nails done again soon.
Till next time…

This is my therapy… 11.01.16

MONDAY, 11 JANUARY 2016

This is my therapy…

So…this would have been a very important day in our home. We would have been busy preparing our eldest for the 1st day of school. Knowing me , I would have been fanatic about it and would’ve had everything ready and waiting before Christmas already. I am that crazy OCD lady at times.

Also , this would’ve been the time where either baby nr.2 has made his/her arrival or were very close to it. I am  pretty sure it would’ve been  chaotic around here!!!

My husband also turned the big 4-0 on Wednesday. Our family would’ve been complete by the time he hit that mark. Well…it’s not.

This is why I see this as my therapy. I love talking about things. I dont want this situation to eat me from the inside. Problem is, not many people like to talk about these things. Granted, everyone has their own way of dealing with things , but mine is talking. Now since I cant talk, I write.

I dont feel like I’m dying inside. I’m not missing something I never had. I’m ok. I realy thought this month would be the hardest for me,but it’s not. My heart is at peace. I have a grandmother in heaven who is looking after our angel babies, so Why would I worry? Our time will come to send our kids to school. To cry more than they do and to anxiously wait for the first day to be over for them. Our time will come…God just has’nt given us the answer yet (31.12.2013).

Until then I will come here for my therapy session to the few who will read this and find peace in knowing that something extra special is being prepared for us.

Good luck Moms who are sending little ones off to big school. Appreciate the moment and carry us, who long for that moment, in your hearts as we will you.

Till next time…