Exactly as the title says.
On our anniversary date I received a message from someone I know of, but do not know asking me to please speak to her. Since I’ve never spoken to her, I tell her I’ll talk later, since we are out celebrating our anniversary. Then she says this: “I want you to adopt my baby.”
Now she has our attention. We can’t openly discuss this now, since Joy is with us and so now have to talk in code.
I admit, I’m an emotional thinker. My first thoughts were unrealistic and naive, because wanting something so bad, causes you to be like that, but this is a totally new situation for us and we had to be cool, calm and collected about it.
With a promise that I will contact her later, we continue with dinner, still discussing this the entire time. ‘How far along is she? Where is the father? How does something like this work? Do we want a baby who’s birth mother are known to us? Why does she want to do this?’ are only some of the questions we asked each other. We decided that we will try and help first before we get to the adoption side, to have her figure out what is best for her.
Now the story. She and her boyfriend broke up, now 4 months ago. She immediately got together with a new boyfriend. She did a test that showed 3 weeks in July, but the doctor says she is 3 months. Now she doesn’t know who the father of the baby is. She doesn’t want the baby if it is her ex’s and she can’t tell me what she would do if it is the new bf’s baby. All she knows is she can’t raise a child. She hates the child already and wants nothing to do with it. I try to help her calculate how far along she could be. We end up at 9 weeks, not 3 weeks or 3 months. Which means it’s the new bf’s baby, since she got pregnant a month after breaking up with the ex, but she can’t accept that (something you’re not telling us?). I go into it with questions I should not be asking, but I do, because we can feel that she is not telling the complete story. I ask her to please go to a doctor, so he can do the proper testing to find out how far along she is and then we can talk again, because she is not certain and we can’t help if she is not clear about this.
We don’t want to influence her at all, so I tell her that I will contact a social worker to explain to all of us how this will work, should we continue with this. She does not want a social worker involved, I must just take the baby. Again and again I have to explain to her that’s not the way it works. Even with longing heart I can’t do that. Now she tells me the ex wants the baby, but she does not want him to have it and she doesn’t want it either. Telling her that he must also sign adoption papers is useless. Telling her we want it done legally is useless. Telling her that we’d rather have a social worker deal with her than us ourselves is useless.
So this goes on for about 3 weeks now, her telling me I must take the child, me asking if she went to the doctor, her saying she hates the child, me saying she should calm down and talk to the social worker. By this time I am running cold, because she is in her late 20’s. Grown enough to understand how reproduction works. Grown enough to understand that we can all get in trouble for what she wants us to do without the ‘father’s’, who is aware of the child, consent.I get fed up, because how can we even try to just help you figure this out if you don’t listen or try to understand the issue.
Monday I told her I’ll send the social workers number so she can contact her, because I can’t do this with her. She wants it one way and we want it a proper way to cover our own asses. She just wants to get rid of it. This is why I feel comfortable today to write and share this, because we will not pursuing this at all. If she should ask for assistance again, I will point her to the right people, but we can’t do this with HER. She won’t tell the real story or go and find out what’s really going on to help herself, so that’s it. If she decided to go ahead, there is lots of other people out there who will be willing to raise her child on the down low, that’s not us.
She does not understand that the ‘father’, who has a good job and life, can come and take the child away and we can’t do anything. Her parents can do the same, hell she can just change her mind someday and come and take the child. No, even though we are longing and hurting for a baby of our own, we won’t do this. It’s called a limit.
Till next time.