What I wish I could say.

I am completely overwhelmed with feelings, in a good way. My heart skips a beat everytime I think about the fact that somewhere in the future we will be Mommy and Daddy. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.

Over last weekend I decided to unpack the baby stuff we bought 3 years ago. I loved holding and folding it. I even got myself so far as to clean out the drawers that was meant for baby in the first place and packed the clothes in there. So now there are no other crap in there, just tiny little clothes, bottles, blankies, cloth nappies and whtever else I had. Somehow, while packing it in there, it kind of sunk in. This is it, no turning back. I ordered the cot, we know which travel system we’ll be buying, baby bags and all that, I just need to take my time, yeah right, and get these things as quick as we can, just to be safe. I can’t believe we have 4 drawers filled with baby stuff and a cot that’s being made as we speak.

This has been a long time in the making. I know it’s still a long way to go, as we have no idea when we will get the call, but at least we are only waitng for the call and not on pins and needles anymore. That Thursday before the desicion was made, was certainly the worst we had and thinking that we’d have to go into the weekend with those feelings, were almost too much for me, but that Glorious Friday at 12:00pm, we literally cried and know one will truely understand the relief that washes over you. God has fullfilled his promise to us made on 31.12.2013, after a horrible 2013, He gave us the answer.

Now we wait and prepare and pray, most of all, that the right match will be made. This is why we never give up, why would we? His promised was fullfilled, He never lies.

Till next time…

So this is happening again…

Today, I can’t tell you what my feelings are, because currently I myself am not sure.

We are walking the road of adoption again, this time in total ‘secrecy’. No one is aware of this. No one is aware of the new hoops we had to jump through, like seeing a phyciatrist, something neither of us has done before. That storie I will touch on later, as just to say not all of them are there to help.

Last Monday we delivered our paperwork. As I told Mark just this afternoon, it doesn’t feel like the first time did. The paperwork has been done so last minute, so sloppy, not my style at all. There was no stress involved, as of this afternoon I forgot that we had delivered the paperwork.

Just as I tried to order some prints to hang on the wall, I opened my emails and the first one is from our SW. Thank you for the paperwork and all your hard work and I will be presenting your file to the board this Friday, like in the day after tomorrow, like in FRIDAY, this Friday. That is not giving me enough time to stress and I say thank you. We will know by Monday what our fate is.

I did not shop, like last time. I did not tell everyone, like last time. I did not plan, like last time. I don’t want to be THAT EXTRMELY hurt, like last time. I pray that this time will be tears of Joy, but if it’s not then it will be okay, or so we tell ourselves. We are still standing, but it does not mean that a NO won’t knock us down, it will and I guess it would knock us harder since we jumped so high for them this time.

I always thank God for what he is placing in our lives. I always say, ask once in prayer and thank Him everyday for what you asked there after. Some times I feel so defeated and then I ask again, I cry and I beg. Then I remember to thank and I thank Him. I wait for His timimg. We do what we can and we pray and hope for the best. I mean, He did send us a personalised message a few years ago. How can I still doubt?

So, we had to go through this process again without any support. Aside from us, only 6 people know and these are the people who we had to tell, because they are our employers, doctors and Reverand. No family, no friends, just each other. We know we can handle defeat again, but we can’t handle having to tell everyone that we were denied. I mean, what a happy day it will be when we get to tell everyone that we were approved, but lessons were learned from our previous 3 baby dissapointments and I don’t think we can have everyone hope and pray for us again and then hear a no.

Now, I am finally putting this down on ‘paper’, my way of just processing the past few months of a journey that we can’t give up on.

If we get a no, this post will never see the light of day, but a yes would enable me to share our story again and I do pray that we can share our story again.

Till next time…