So this is happening again…

Today, I can’t tell you what my feelings are, because currently I myself am not sure.

We are walking the road of adoption again, this time in total ‘secrecy’. No one is aware of this. No one is aware of the new hoops we had to jump through, like seeing a phyciatrist, something neither of us has done before. That storie I will touch on later, as just to say not all of them are there to help.

Last Monday we delivered our paperwork. As I told Mark just this afternoon, it doesn’t feel like the first time did. The paperwork has been done so last minute, so sloppy, not my style at all. There was no stress involved, as of this afternoon I forgot that we had delivered the paperwork.

Just as I tried to order some prints to hang on the wall, I opened my emails and the first one is from our SW. Thank you for the paperwork and all your hard work and I will be presenting your file to the board this Friday, like in the day after tomorrow, like in FRIDAY, this Friday. That is not giving me enough time to stress and I say thank you. We will know by Monday what our fate is.

I did not shop, like last time. I did not tell everyone, like last time. I did not plan, like last time. I don’t want to be THAT EXTRMELY hurt, like last time. I pray that this time will be tears of Joy, but if it’s not then it will be okay, or so we tell ourselves. We are still standing, but it does not mean that a NO won’t knock us down, it will and I guess it would knock us harder since we jumped so high for them this time.

I always thank God for what he is placing in our lives. I always say, ask once in prayer and thank Him everyday for what you asked there after. Some times I feel so defeated and then I ask again, I cry and I beg. Then I remember to thank and I thank Him. I wait for His timimg. We do what we can and we pray and hope for the best. I mean, He did send us a personalised message a few years ago. How can I still doubt?

So, we had to go through this process again without any support. Aside from us, only 6 people know and these are the people who we had to tell, because they are our employers, doctors and Reverand. No family, no friends, just each other. We know we can handle defeat again, but we can’t handle having to tell everyone that we were denied. I mean, what a happy day it will be when we get to tell everyone that we were approved, but lessons were learned from our previous 3 baby dissapointments and I don’t think we can have everyone hope and pray for us again and then hear a no.

Now, I am finally putting this down on ‘paper’, my way of just processing the past few months of a journey that we can’t give up on.

If we get a no, this post will never see the light of day, but a yes would enable me to share our story again and I do pray that we can share our story again.

Till next time…

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