This is my therapy… 11.01.16

MONDAY, 11 JANUARY 2016

This is my therapy…

So…this would have been a very important day in our home. We would have been busy preparing our eldest for the 1st day of school. Knowing me , I would have been fanatic about it and would’ve had everything ready and waiting before Christmas already. I am that crazy OCD lady at times.

Also , this would’ve been the time where either baby nr.2 has made his/her arrival or were very close to it. I am  pretty sure it would’ve been  chaotic around here!!!

My husband also turned the big 4-0 on Wednesday. Our family would’ve been complete by the time he hit that mark. Well…it’s not.

This is why I see this as my therapy. I love talking about things. I dont want this situation to eat me from the inside. Problem is, not many people like to talk about these things. Granted, everyone has their own way of dealing with things , but mine is talking. Now since I cant talk, I write.

I dont feel like I’m dying inside. I’m not missing something I never had. I’m ok. I realy thought this month would be the hardest for me,but it’s not. My heart is at peace. I have a grandmother in heaven who is looking after our angel babies, so Why would I worry? Our time will come to send our kids to school. To cry more than they do and to anxiously wait for the first day to be over for them. Our time will come…God just has’nt given us the answer yet (31.12.2013).

Until then I will come here for my therapy session to the few who will read this and find peace in knowing that something extra special is being prepared for us.

Good luck Moms who are sending little ones off to big school. Appreciate the moment and carry us, who long for that moment, in your hearts as we will you.

Till next time…

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The aftermath 05.08.15

WEDNESDAY, 5 AUGUST 2015

The aftermath…

I went for my check-up and the only concerning thing was the myomas and their size. So my ob/gyn wants us to still have  a chance by me having a myectomy,but since mine is too big for him to remove,he wants a specialist to do it. Since I havent heard from him,I guess they havent come back to him yet.

Emotionaly I am fine,but physically this is killing me. I’ve had this radiating lower back,right hip and right leg pain for a about 2 years. Always figured it was due to my cycles. With research I discovered  that the myomas actualy cause these pains.  It’s so bad that I cant move. I cant get up,sit down,stand,sit,walk properly when it strikes-which is daily now. It’s making life difficult for me. Since we want to eat healthy,when it’s bad,I cant cook,now we have to do something quick with the go to bread or a take away. My house is a mess,I sweep when I feel decent,but other than that everything has to wait till the pain subsides somewhat. I cant go to the shops and do a proper shop. Cant sit in the car for long since the pain is unbearable.

This had me puzzled for some time. When we would drive to CT , I would start to complain about leg pain after 20 minutes. The combination of pain would strike at different times during my cycle,which would make me wonder why. Nothing is helping to make it easier.

As of this moment my fear is that the myomas will grow too big and they will have to remove my womb. The constant pain in making me panicky,Mark tells me I worry to much,but I cant help it. Sometimes,like this moment ,it’s soooo bad that the tears are streaming down my face,only because I dont know what else to do . My days currently consist of trying to find a position that causes me the least amount of discomfort.

I do my own housework,cooking,shopping ,everything. Yet now I feel like those people who cant put their own shoes on and it’s killing me…

The loss we didn’t think would happen…again Part 2 18.06.14

THURSDAY, 18 JUNE 2015

The loss we didnt think would happen again …Part 2

I apologise to those who read and assumed that I ‘m still expecting,so I figured I better hurry up and continue the story…

Having had a misscarriage before ,I was paranoid about bleeding and cramps. I know cramping is usuaoy normal,due to stretching,but the bleeding urked me. Everytime I would use the toilet,which was hourly, I’d make sure there was no blood until Sunday 31st of May,I started spotting. Tiny bit atleast once a day. I get worried,I cry,I call my doctor. Since I am so far away ,he tells me to just watch it. It musnt get heavier and if U have extreme cramping to go in.  I even have Mark go in with a flashlight to see if I maybe have a cut or something that is causing this tiny amount of blood.

The whole week it changes from pink to brown to pink. No heavier than a wipe,no cramping or pain,but my symptoms seem to have dissapeared,the few I had.

We are still very carefully tring to get excited and plan the next 7 months out. We talk about everything baby,but I dont wanna jinx it by talking names.

There was indeed 1 upside to the oregnancy for the 3 or so weeks…the dreams I was having. I was even embarrased to tell Mark about it ,but I thought what the hell,he should know. I wont go into too many details,but they were steamy and very realistic…

Now, Sunday morning (07.06.2015 around 03h40) , I get up for my 100th trip to the toilet. I sit down and 2 blobs just pop out of me followed by a stream of blood. My brain goes into overdrive. I call Mark,but he is sleeping and only wakes up when I start banging om the bathroom door with my fist! After that nothing else comes out. Now I’m a mess… I contact my doctor and he immediately replies. ‘The only way we’ll know is if I come in so they can do a sonogram.’ The doctor on stanby is there ,but if I want to see him I must come in on Monday. Now realy,the only 2 people I trust with my lady bits is my husband and my ob/gyn,so we decide we’ll go in on Monday rather.

Here we are,the 2 of us sitting in the lounge waiting for the rest of it to pass through my body,but nothing happens,. Around 8 we let our parents know whats going on and that we’ll be in CT the afternoon. The bleeding is still not heavy and I have no cramps or pain,which is giving me false hope.

Sunday evening we have family laying their hands on me and praying for the baby to still be safe…

There is no baby visible on the sonogram,just a gray mass of tissue lying in my womb. I’m trying to keep myself together,this crying in the doctors rooms are becomming a habit. Mark is holding my hand the whole time as the gynae explains to us shat might have gone wrong. Then his tone changes,he gets this sad sound in his voice and he puts his hand on my arm and starts to rub it very gently. That’s when I lost it. I realy cant handle people being sympathetic towards me.

He has been walking this road with us for 6 years,he has been my gynae for 13 years,so I guess there would be some imotional investment there. Both Mark and myself has cried in that office,we laughed in there,we are comfortable in there. We went through treatment that failed,treatment that helped and results that made us loose hope. He was there through the adoption process,wanting to try ivf,surrogacy…everything.  At times he didnt even bill us . He once told us that we must rememver,there is a Man upstairs who still creates miracles,so never loose hope.

My heart realy broke at that moment. To think that something was alive inside of me,we finaly created a life…and now it’s gone.

He wants to see us in 2 weeks again. Prescribed medication to cause contractions to expel the tissue and pain meds. We leave his office and his receptionist is speechless. She comes out from behind the counter and gives us a hug,saying she’ll pray for us and we will have a baby. I just want to go home and feel sorry for myself in private.

We have to tell, our parents and we make it as quick as possible,we just want to get home…

The loss we didn’t think would happen…again Part 1 17.06.15

WEDNESDAY, 17 JUNE 2015

The loss we didnt think would happen…again Part 1

The loss we didnt think would happen…again Part 1

So,imagine our surprise when we do a preg test the evening of 19 May 2015…and it’s positive!We went on holiday with friends on the 18th of May to our fave little place…Plett.

Now when we go there I love to indulge in red wine and chocolates. Well,banting completely destroyed my love for choccies and I could not find my fave wine anywhere!!!

The Friday before I went for my 5 month check-up,being at the end of my 2ww,it wasnt strange that the doctor told ma that I had some blood in my urine and white blood cells (due to pms yeast infection). Expecting to receive aunt Flo by Monday for the latest, we just went on our way. My breast tenderness dissapeared and suddenly showed up the Sunday night again.Monday,no period,Tuesday nothing!!! This made us decide to buy a test and just see whats going on. Now,u have to know,I didnt have high hopes,since we have been supporting this hcg industry for the past 6 years faithfully and all with negative results.We get back to resort and we debate on whether or not to do it now or in the morning. Next door is a bottle red wine waiting and I decide to rather do it,just to get this out the way. As soon as my urine hit that stick the line,which has evaded us for 6 years, appear and all I can say is ‘oh my God,oh my God,oh my God’ repeatedly until I managed to pull my pants up ,wash my hands and leave the bathroom.I just handed the test to Mark and we just looked at each other,not knowing what to do next.

We cant allow ourselves to get excited,we are older,wiser,we’ve suffered a loss in 2009 and we just cant get excited before we see that there is actualy a little bean growing in there,but we do talk about it non stop,when we’re alone. Luckily I had an appointment at my ob/gyn for the following Monday,which I immediately the next morning,after doing another test,confirmed.

So the holiday is over,we are anxious,we dont want to get anyone excited just to be dissapointed again.Monday we are at the doctors office,the receptionist,lovely warm lady,is so excited for us and the doctor is running late as usual,we know him like that. Almost 2 hours later he picks up my file,sees the pregnancy form and gets this huge grin on his face asking us,in the waiting room infront of other patients very loudly ‘is dit regtig sulke tyd?’. Walking in he tells Mark ‘Jy sê jy het a goal gescore?’. We chat a little,go through my file about our previous loss,fills in the form and all I want to do is go into the other room and see whats happening inside!!! He also tells us to forget about the negative things the other doctor told us back then. I know the risks,he knows the risks and he will do his best to see us through…I love my gynae!!!

All 3 of us in the darm examination room,me with may pants off and the doc ready with his equipment to get started. Fisrt thing he tells us that there definately is a pregnancy but then he focusses on the myomas on my womb and this seems to worry him. He measures them and then starts to look for the bean and low and behold…THERE IT IS!!! A little heart beating away,this is also the first time I actualy look at the screen and start breathing again.Although he is concerned about the myomas ,he doesnt let us in on too much,letting us know the risks and that many have had healthy babies and pregnancies with the fibroids.We leave happy, gonna tell the family now.

Excitement all around.

The childless Mothersday AGAN 11.05.14

SUNDAY, 11 MAY 2014

The Childless Mothersday AGAIN

Waking up this morning,getting ready 4 church,I completely forgot about Mothersday.So here we go off to Church and the moment we sit down a lady walks past and wishes me a Happy Mothersday. She must have seen the shock on my face and with that she asked me if I have children. Now I know she meant good by it ,but she said the thing I hated people telling me. ‘if we arent a mother to our own then we are one to others children.’ Now someone in my situation would not understand the pain associated with that statement. All’ve ever wanted was my own children,a housefull in fact. I didnt matter how they would come to us,but they would be mine atleast.

So the service continues and it comes to the point where they ask all mothers to come to the front to be honoured. A blessing is given to them and to those who are expecting and longing.I start chocking up,tears are forming behind my lids and I try to compose myself by opening my eyes. With that I look around and notice that I am the only grown woman still seated among men and Sunday school girls.Now if it wasnt enough that my emotions got the best of me in church,I could feel the emptiness burning inside me.
I could feel the pain and sorrow bubbling up to the servace. I started shaking and I could feel a cry coming on.

I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to draw attention to myself so I took my handbag,just whispered to MArk ‘I’m going outside’ and left.Now know,that I never walk around in church,I dont use the bathroom,dont stretch my legs. I feel its disrespectfull.I felt like I wasnt getting any air,I just needed to get outside to breate. The moment I stepped outside the ugliests gut wrenching noise escaped my throat and that moment I knew  this is it. The walls of the dam  has broken. The mask is falling off my face and with that I have to face the fact that even though I say to people that it’ s okay,it will never be.

Trying to find my way to the car,I walk past a firends brother in law and the girl who was pregnant with me at the same time,she went on to have a healthy baby who just turned 4. It felt as is I was  being punished over and over again in a matter of 2 minutes. I got to the car and even then all I could here was this uglyness coming out of my throat. My eyes are red,the tears are rolling down,but it’s not crying,it’s pure pain.

I never thought I would have this reaction today and for once I dont feel silly about crying about my pain,because today is the day that made me realise,,my pain is valid.

So you who are mother,if it didnt take you years of pain to hold that precious child,think twice before you say something that could hurt a person like me. Your time will come is an empty promise. You are a mom at heart is not as fullfilling as being a mom in life. Many wont understand the pain we go through,myself and my husband,but if your heart is open and pure then you will try to understand that everyday is a painfull reminder of what  isnt,what could be,what may never be and what we pray for relentlessly.

So I guess today was not one of my best days and I doubt if tommorrow will b either.

All in all,I will try to celebrate my Grans-Fransiena & Francis,my mom-Maureen,Aunts,cousins,my mother-in-law-Mary,sisters-in-law,Patsy & Esther!

That old feeling 26.02.14

WEDNESDAY, 26 FEBRUARY 2014

That old feeling

Yesterday was as normal a day for me as always,until about 16h00.

It’s been just 2 months since we decided on our little baby breakbut yesterday,sho,was one of those days. While just waiting for time to pass before I start  dinner I suddenly had that nagging,very familiar feeling. My heart just fell to the floor and I was a balll of emotion. Tears kept rolling down my face as I was misding something I dont have terribly.

The pain of my empty lap was suddenly very bad. I dont know what it was or why it was,butI couldnt help myself. I was crying all through my cooking as I couldnt stop the tears. It was as if I had just received news of a passing,that was how intense the crying was.

When Mark stepped in,I brought up the fact of sudden sadness. We discussed it and about what our options would be,will we apply again for adoption or concider surrogacy.Also reminding ourselves of the year off and meassages we received. Still,the pain and emptyness is here,at this moment.

I dreamt about a little baby jus this morning,I cried again this afternoon for something stupid on tv. Looks my emotional well being took ablow yesterday and I dont know what to do about it. I am just looking for an answer in any way or form.

As for now,I slipped back into the longing and crying fase. Hoping that a solution will come in form of an answer to our prayers.

TILL NEXT TIME…

Well, well, well. 12.01.14

SUNDAY, 12 JANUARY 2014

Well,well ,well

So I decided to come back for a little visit. Thanx to my little friend surfing via a BB10 from the Arab Emrates. I was not planning on being here,since I had started a new blog (check it out),but this is still the place to talk about my yearning for that family that keeps slipping thru my fingers.

Just because it’s an OFF year,does not mean we let go of our dream. It’s still as big as ever,we just want something else to be first choice this year.

To tell the truth, I do feel lighter since we had taken a break. There is no talk of papers,forms,doctors,ivf,iui,surrogates,nothing. It feels as if my soul is starting to heal, because you know it has to,we dont know what will be waiting beyond the borders of  2014 on us. I am looking forward to maybe studying this year,taking a trip,hell,how about a new language (u neva know where u might end up). A defnite is doing some renovations at home. I finaly can give all my energy to something else,downside is somtimes I give too much e nergy. Just yesterday I told Mark I want to go volunteer at the childrens home around the corner from us,but would that be good for my being?

How about getting a job,spoken as if it’s easy to do. I realy want to devote myself to yhings that will make me better this year. Sometimes I think,what about a year of love and marriage? Yes,that would be great,but we are the lucky ones. Through our years of struggle,we remained close,if not growing closer. We just wanted to be parents so much that at times we forgot that we are still a couple. I thank God that we never even came close to the point of blaming each other,instead we would just talk endlessly about it.

Today I just want to BE. I thank God for making us realise that we have followed our own path for too long and for helping us on the road to making the decision to have Him lead and  we will follow. Thank You for sending a stranger eith a massage on New Years Eve and speaking through the preacher,giving the same message yhe evening in church. From 2014 on,in God we fully and completely trust!!!

Till next time…